flying a pale banner
I would spend my days learning how to shoot and how to set
traps and when they answered my call and came to see
who I was I would kill them.
It was treason I know yet I felt a sad sort of pride that
confused me more than the emptiness of standing on the
outside looking in.
Maybe this was my mission and maybe it was not, maybe
this was the bond I had been looking for.
In some ways it felt right and as I became good at calling
and shooting crows I realized that there were others out
there killing and eating the fawns and the hatchlings.
I knew where they lived and I knew how to track them from
the endless days of exploring and stalking that had taught
me all I needed to know of how to find them and kill them.
I would loose my hounds before dawn and wait in the
silence of the last hours of the night, knowing that the peace
would be broken at any minute brought a sense of urgency
to the tranquil beauty I found myself immersed in and when
they found their prey my heart would race off making it hard
for me to hear which way they went.
As soon as I ́d guess at their bearing I would head up in the
hills where the earth was made hard and where the rain
would not linger on the ground.
I would wait there in silence as the song would move
towards me and then pass me in the distance or disappear
down a neighboring valley. Only to reappear from
somewhere unknown, somewhere unexpected.
And when the choir stopped by a den or a burrow I would
dig down to a different tune. Breaking trough the soil,
hacking away at roots and letting my presence be felt and heard. Claiming my place at the top of the world rather than
asking for permission to belong in the middle.
.
And so I walked through days and I walked through nights,
shutting the rest of the world out so that the only thing in
existence was my own little conical sphere, illuminated by
the lamp that I carried.
It was comfortable in there where the only living things were
the sound of my footsteps and the embodiment of my
breath, fogging up the atmosphere for the briefest moment
of time yet long enough to shift my mind through an ever
flowing stream of images and words.
For a long time the words gave no meaning and the images
seemed strange but little by little the edges grew into
familiar shapes and the words turned from nonsensical to
understandable phrases.
Still I continued in my effort of controlling my surroundings
while denying the truth that was painted out in front of me
with illuminous colours and screaming letters that grew taller
and broader untill they fenced me in and cut me off from this
world that I had tried to belong to then tried to subdue. In the
end I was following the fences, running back and forth like a
dog that’s been kenneled for far too long. Screaming out my
agony but the fences had grown too thick and my call for
help was echoed back to me telling me that there were no
peace to be found in these walls. Still searching for
answers I set out looking for a weakness in the wall but the
only thing I found were new trails that led me deeper into the
forest than I had ever gone before, making me hopeful that I
would finally find its midst.
The trails went on, through the damp and dusty air of an
ancient forest with trees that seemed to judge me, measure
me, and find me unworthy of their wisdom. I pushed on
regardless, paying no heed to their prejudice. If I ever were
to find the heart of the forest it would be of my own account,
not by the will of others. Not by the allowance of trees.
The fence followed me on my journey, sometimes in the
distance, sometimes up close but it was always there,
looming, returning my wails, telling me that there are no
weaknesses here.
As I pushed on further the light started to fade and my
surroundings grew darker until I could hardly see what lay
before me.
I got tangled up in the undergrowth, pushed back as I
sought to move forward, by huge crooked branches as if
they were trying to deny me access to this holiest of inner
circles.
Still, I forced my way. Blind, tired and distraught.
There was a light in the distance or so it seemed, in my
imagination maybe, a little speck of light that was filled with
promises and calm and all of the colours of the world. I fixed
my gaze on it and did not let it go no matter how hard the
branches beat against my face.
The ground seemed to change from dry hard dirt to wet
marshland and then back again. I lost track of the trails,
picked them up again by chance and clung to them with the
fear of death in my veins.
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I halfway panicked from the thought of getting lost in this
intricate labyrinth when I understood that retreat was no
longer an option. For an instance I was filled with a sense
of being undefeatable only to have the feeling disappear
and be exchanged with a notion of loss and an empty,
hollow pain of being consumed by my surroundings.
At times I found myself screaming my lungs out, screaming
out my hatred, my fear, my despair, only to come to my
senses, not knowing where I was or where I was going.
Still I pushed on or fought my way around, seemingly
keeping a steady course.
I don’t know how long I wandered trough the emptiness of
the world, through an airless chamber of self-pity until I
suddenly broke out of the forest and into open terrain.
The sheer terror of being out in the open almost made my
heart stop and after years in the darkness the light felt like
torment.
As I stood there letting my eyes adjust to the sudden light,
bewildered and wondering, I looked up and took in this huge
field that ended in the foot of a mountain that I never knew
was there, rising up before me and disappearing in the
clouds above.
I started wading through a sea of waist high grass, towards
a mountain that seemed to drift away and grow distant as I
moved closer.
The soft, wet grass became heavy and held me back when
I tried to run and pulled me down when I tried to leap. Still I
persevered, hoping that the mountain would reveal its
secrets and show me the thing that I was looking for.
Still it drifted away.
When I sat down it would linger in the horizon as if it was
encouraging me to keep going and I continued in my pursuit
of this wandering mountain, this gargantuan guide who
seemed to have no interest in sharing its knowledge.
The huge rectangular field was littered with the remnants of
dead trees, seemingly felled at will and as I moved on they
changed my course, forcing me to go left when I wanted to
go right.
In the distance the mountain waited whenever I took my
eyes off it and moved on whenever I lifted my eyes. As I struggled through the field I failed to notice that I was
moving closer, that the mountain paused in the horizon and
waited for me whenever I stopped chasing it. As I moved
closer and the mountain grew larger that little speck of light
started growing in front of me as well, reminding me that it
had been there all along and that it would stay with me if I
wanted it to, to follow me on my way not as a guide but
more like a guest or maybe a companion, sharing the void
and the emptiness and the night, sharing my hope of finding
the way.
And as the light grew larger in front of me I lifted my head
again and let it show me that the mountain waited whenever
I stopped chasing it.
Filled with wonder and a childlike joy I walked towards the
light instead of the mountain, moving closer with every step.
I started running through the waist high grass, no longer
noticing if it was holding me back or pulling me down and
the mountain did not move.
The mountain seemed clearer now, looming large in my
peripheral vision, growing wilder and stronger behind the
light. Growing to a point where its presence demanded
attention.
Still I kept looking at the light untill I reached the foot of the
mountain.
Instinctively I started climbing. Crawling forward on my
hands and knees, fighting gravity as I pulled myself up, inch
by inch, squeezing myself tighter and tighter to the side of
the mountain, afraid I would loose my footing and fall to my
death, scared that it might float away if I let go.
Every now and then I would turn back to consider my retreat
before reluctantly continuing to climb.
As I turned back and stared down at the forest one last time,
down on my kingdom of silence that once had terrified and
amazed me, I saw it dwindle and diminish into a small patch
of trees, finally disappearing beneath me.
Darkness fell as I ascended towards whatever unknown
faith waited above where the peak of the mountain was still
hidden in the clouds and I wondered how far it was to the
top.
My feet grew heavy as I toiled onward and upward, my head
sinking down between my shoulders, eyes fixed on one foot
at a time as they continuously moved in and out of sight.
I kept a steady pace, or so it seemed, as I moved trough a
trancelike state where the sound of my feet against the
mountain reverberated up my spine and found new life in
the form of music, exiting through my face as a cacophony
of thoughts that stretched me out in front of myself.
I moved on, ever slower as I fought against my surroundings
and an unknown presence that had crept up behind me. A
cloaked entity, sometimes walking besides me, only to
disappear and hide in the shadows whenever I tried to catch
a glimpse.
At times I could feel its limbs scratching at my back and
against my shoulders, making me afraid it was going to steal
my face and my thoughts and the music that vibrated all
around me.
Exhausted I collapsed in the heather and laid there flat on
the ground staring into the endlessness of the night sky,
littered with stars, realizing that I was staring back in time I
disappeared into the void.
As the sun slowly climbed above the treetops the light
reflected off an untouched canvas, one that magnified the
brightness ten times over until it felt like razors tearing
through my eyes. For a brief moment the sun warmed my
face before a cold wind started blowing from the north, a
wind that chilled me to the core.
As I sat in the snow, squinting and drying off the tears
streaming down my weathered face, I realized that the days
were growing shorter fast and soon the snow would fall
heavy on the land, making it hard to move forward.
Before me lay a vast plateau, covered by a marshland that
seemed to stretch on forever. The cloaked entity still
hovered around me, teasing me and scaring me at the same
time.
I lifted my head one last time, accepting the cloak that
hovered around me, the one that wanted to eat me alive.
I could feel it following behind me as I waded on through the
marshes, pushing up a wall of dirt in front of me as I moved
along.
I could see its ominous shape with my eyes closed, myself
knee deep in mire, constantly falling back to the same pace,
seemingly unable to outrun it as I fought against the
marshes.
It felt as if I was stuck there in the dirt even though I was
moving forward, slowly wearing myself down to the bone.
Still the cloak hovered around, unaffected by the struggles
of working against the land.
The marshes went on in front of me, crossing the endless
plateau, still I kept looking for something in the distance.
I had to be close now.
There was no way for me to outrun the cloak, nowhere to
hide or to sneak away so I turned around and called out to
it: «come out and face me, I shouted, come out here in the
open and I will fight you, me against you until one of us is
dead».
And as I stood there waiting, with clenched fists, motionless
and screaming inside my mind, the wall of dirt that I had
been pushing up in front of me started breaking down,
diminishing until it was reduced to a small trickle of water
flowing past me.
I turned around to continue my march without the cloak
hovering behind me as I slowly left it behind to remain in the
marshes, alone and forgotten.
As I turned back one last time I finally caught a glimpse of it
as it disappeared.